


maybe we can fix things (or at least be less broken together)

by peskyfrogss (mintysugasweet)



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Arguing, Crying, Friendship, Future Fic, Gone Awry, M/M, Marriage, Marriage Proposal, Moving, Relationship Issues, Warm drinks solve all the problems, Yuri and Yuuri friendship, Yuri is sad, Yuri swears a lot, and issues about marriage, emotions are hard, lots of talking, so is Yuuri, they talk about it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-14
Updated: 2017-06-14
Packaged: 2018-11-13 22:29:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11194752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mintysugasweet/pseuds/peskyfrogss
Summary: "I said I'm fucking fine, okay?" Yuri shouted, almost breaking the candle when he slammed it down on the table. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, attempting to calm down."Can we please talk about this? I don't want to leave it like this." Yuri turned on Otabek."I just proposed to you and you turned me down. What's there to talk about?"OR...Yuri is having relationship issues and has several heartfelt conversations with Yuuri on life and love.





	maybe we can fix things (or at least be less broken together)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! This is my first work I'm posting on archive which is super exciting :) I've written a lot of fanfic, but I've been too shy to post it but #yolo and whatever

The taxi ride back to their apartment was tense. Yuri kept his eyes out the window, refusing to cry. He didn’t look at Otabek, but Yuri figured that he was staring out the opposite window as well, trying to pretend like he was as far from Yuri as Yuri wanted to be from him.

  
Fucking traffic.

  
If it wasn’t deadass in the middle of winder in Saint Petersburg, Yuri might have unlocked the door to the cab and just walked the remainder of the distance.

Anything to get away.

  
It didn’t matter. Who cares if they got married anyways? Like Beka said, it’s just a stupid piece of paper that means nothing.

  
The driver glanced back at them before awkwardly turning on the radio. Shitty 80s music came through the speakers, filling the silence.

  
Yuri was doing a very bad job at not crying.

 

* * *

 

 

“I…” Otabek looked like someone had punched him in the stomach, which was not the ideal expression of someone who was just proposed to. At first, Yuri thought it was shock, but when Beka started to pull away from Yuri, he realized he had made some serious miscalculations.

  
Yuri fucked up. He fucked up bad.

  
“I—um, I…” Otabek stuttered out.

  
Yuri started to feel stupid on his knees, so he stood and brushed his jeans off.

  
“I’m sorry,” Otabek said softly. Yuri actively avoided looking at him, busying himself with closing the ring box and securing it back in his jacket pocket and pulling his glove on. It was hard to resist the urge to throw it into the river beneath them.

  
“It’s whatever.”

 

* * *

 

 

Yuri had forgotten about his request of Mila until he opened the door of their apartment. Candles were everywhere, fairy lights hanging on the walls and ceiling, romantic music playing on the stereo in the corner, and even fucking roses on the table. All of it only served as a stabbing reminder of what they would not be celebrating tonight.

  
Otabek seemed unsure what to do, frozen at the door and staring at their living room. Yuri took action and began angrily cleaning everything up, first flicking on the lights and making work of disposing of the flowers.

  
“Yura,” Otabek said, hesitating behind him as Yuri started blowing out all the candles in the apartment.

  
“I’m _fine_.”

  
“Yura, please.”

  
“I said I’m fucking fine, okay?” Yuri shouted, almost breaking the candle when he slammed it down on the table. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, trying to calm down.

  
“Can we please talk about this? I don’t want to leave it like this.” Yuri turned on him.

  
“I just proposed to you, and you turned me down. What’s there to talk about?” He kicked the stereo hard enough that it stopped playing whatever cheesy romantic song playlist Mila had set up.

  
“There’s _a lot_ to talk about,” Otabek argued. “Clearly we are on different pages here!”

  
“I think we’re in different fucking libraries at this point,” Yuri snapped. All of the candles were out, and he stalked towards their room. Otabek followed, refusing to let the matter drop.

  
“I thought you didn’t want to be like Viktor and Katsuki? You always complain about their marriage.”

  
“This isn’t about Viktor and Katsudon! This is about the both of us!”

  
“Then why do we need a piece of paper to tell us what we already know? We love each other, so why do we have to get married?” Yuri grabbed clothes from their closet and whipped around.

  
“I _want_ to!”

  
“And I don’t!”

  
Yuri locked his jaw and crossed his arms. Beka’s hands were clenched like he did when he was upset. When it was clear that Otabek wasn’t going to budge on the topic, Yuri pushed past him and made his way to the bathroom in the hallway.

  
He slammed the door behind him. Between them. Yuri slid to the ground, leaning his head against the hard wood of the door.

  
He had been so certain that Beka wanted the same things he did. Yuri didn’t even think of this being a possibility. The part of his brain he reserved for dreaming of the future returned to torment him with visions of a wedding. A wedding that will never happen.

Because Beka doesn’t feel the same about him. _Shit_.

  
Was this the only thing Yuri was ignorant to? Are there other issues that he’s unaware of too?

  
He felt lied to, betrayed. He was so sure that Otabek loved him and wanted him forever. But he supposed that wasn’t true.

  
Fuck, he felt so stupid.

  
He wondered if Beka was doing the same thing he was. Tormenting himself over what happened and how and when everything went to shit over the span of two hours.

  
Yuri heard the TV turn on.

 

* * *

 

 

“It’s not whatever,” Beka argued. “We need to talk—”

  
“Just stop!” Yuri shouted, and then softer, almost whimpering though Yuri would deny ever making a sound as pitiful as such, “ _Please_. I want to go home.”

  
Yuri turned his back on Otabek so his boyfriend couldn’t see the emotions passing over his face and chose to stare out over the frozen river instead. He felt Otabek’s eyes on him, but Yuri refused to turn around.

  
He was a fucking coward.

  
Yuri crossed his arms, partially from the cold, partially because he felt like he was falling to pieces and he needed to hold himself together.

  
Who would have even thought Beka would say no?

  
“I’ll call a cab,” Beka said, and he was walking off.

 

* * *

 

That night Yuri intended to sleep in the guest room. After emerging from the shower over an hour after he locked himself in the bathroom, he went straight to the spare room without glancing towards the living area where he knew Otabek would be.

  
He locked the door before going over to the bed and crawling underneath the sheets.

  
Sleep didn’t come.

  
Granted, it was early. Before ten. But Yuri felt exhausted. Unfortunately, though he was emotionally exhausted, his body and mind had no intentions of falling asleep soon.

  
He was cold too, no matter how many blankets he was curled up under.

  
At least he had the sense to keep his phone with him. Yuri distracted himself with different social media things until he ended up scrolling mindlessly on instagram, not even liking or smiling at any of the cat pictures. Even Chris’s beautiful Persian cat curled up on a pillow couldn’t bring a smile to his face.

  
Cat pictures only reminded him of his cats. Which, of course, were out in the living room with Beka.

  
Fucking traitors.

  
He heard Beka head into their room just after eleven. His footsteps hesitated at the guest bedroom for a few seconds before moving on down the hall. Yuri didn’t hear a door shut.

  
Yuri waited five minutes before texting Katsudon. Twenty minutes after that, he was quietly sneaking out of their apartment.

 

* * *

 

 

Yuri: baba i need u to do something for me  
Yuri: it’s really important  
Mila: of course Yura  
Mila: what is it???  
Mila: unless it’s murder i happen to like JJ :/  
Yuri: no  
Yuri: fuck off jj is shit  
Yuri: so  
Yuri: im proposing to beka tomorrow night  
Mila: !!!!!!!  
Mila: omg  
Yuri: shut up  
Yuri: i want our place to look super nice for when we come back  
Yuri: to celebrate and shit  
Yuri: if you get what i mean  
Mila: oh I get what you mean Yura ;)  
Mila: don’t worry I’ll make your apartment super romantic roses and everything  
Mila I’ll even leave some condoms on the bedside table ;)  
Yuri: fuck off  
Mila: protection is important Yura  
Yuri: i hate you  
Yuri: but thank you  
Mila: go get him tiger  
Mila: \\(^o^)/

 

* * *

 

 

Katsudon was waiting outside the apartment complex where he said he would be. He was texting, Viktor most likely, when Yuri slid into the warm car.

  
He was glad Viktor wasn’t picking him up, otherwise he’d be asking a million and a half invasive questions that Yuri didn’t want to answer right now. Katsudon just smiled at him before putting his phone down and pulling the car back out onto the street.

  
For the first time that evening, Yuri was comfortable. He let himself relax back into the leather seats and close his eyes.

  
He was so exhausted. So fucking exhausted.

  
It was less than a five-minute drive during the night when there was little traffic on the route, and in no time they were walking into the living area. Viktor greeted them both with hot chocolate and a warm but tired smile. He looked as if he hadn’t been getting enough sleep.

  
Yuri looked at Katsudon, noticing he looked the same. Yuri scowled. That’s what they got for staying up and fucking all night. Which is what he was should be doing now. With Beka. To celebrate their engagement.

  
But no, he’s here at the Geezer and Katsudon’s house having their perfect relationship shoved in his face. Yuri didn’t even feel sorry for interrupting their night together. They’re too damn perfect anyways. It wasn’t fucking fair.

  
Maybe coming here was a bad idea.

  
“I’m going to head to bed,” Viktor said softly, almost hesitant. His eyes were on Katsudon, as they always were, a pathetically longing look on his expression. “I’ll see you in a bit?”

  
Katsudon met his husband’s eyes slowly before giving him a small, tired smile and a nod.

  
“I’ll be in once I set Yura up in the guest.” A real smile appeared on Viktor’s face. He bent down and brushed Katsudon’s hair from his forehead and pressed a kiss to the skin there.

  
Yuri scowled.

  
They were so disgusting.

  
He shouldn’t have come.

 

* * *

 

 

Yuri hardly slept the night before, and he woke to an early call from Otabek. It was just after six am, the time they usually woke up for their morning run.

  
Nice to know Beka was fine and could keep to his normal schedule. That didn’t hurt at all. Not one fucking bit.

  
Shit.

  
Yuri didn’t pick up, and wasn’t surprised when he received a voicemail followed by a few texts from his boyfriend right after.

  
Beka: Are you okay? Where are you?  
Beka: I know you’re upset, but we really need to talk about this.  
Beka: Please call me and let me know you’re okay.  
Beka: And not dead in a ditch somewhere.

  
Ten minutes later, he received another.

 

Beka: I’m calling Viktor and Katsuki in twenty minutes if I don’t hear from you.  
Yuri: im fine. at katsudon’s. dont want to talk  
Beka: I’m glad you’re safe. You left your key here, so let me know when you’re coming home so I can let you in. I love you Yura.

   
Yuri stared at the last part of his message. Beka hardly ever verbalized that statement, and Yuri could count on his fingers the times Beka spelled it out for him. They were both people who favored action over sappy words so when they say or write shit like that, it was powerful.

  
The words hurt to read, and Yuri wanted to hate Beka for spelling them out. But he didn’t. He couldn’t. But saying he loved him wasn’t going to fix this shit. It wasn’t going to make Yuri come back. It wasn’t going to make him feel better.

  
But mostly, it pissed him off because he knew they were true. Otabek still loved him. And for some reason, knowing that only made everything so much worse. Because it meant that it was Yuri’s fault for begin so fucking greedy that they’re in this disagreement. It was his fault that Beka was worried about him and his fault that Beka felt like he needed to assure Yuri of his feelings and his fault that everything went to shit.

  
He wanted more.

  
More. More. More. More more more moremore _more_.

  
Yuri was fucking selfish, and he knew it. And so, _so_ greedy. Otherwise, knowing Otabek loved him would be enough. The promise of staying with the man he loved would be enough.

  
But shit, it wasn’t. Not anymore.

  
And now Beka was worried that Yuri didn’t know he loved him. Yuri worried his boyfriend to the point that he was questioning their relationship.

 

Guilt.

 

He was angry at himself. Not Beka.

 

Fuck, when did he start needing more?

 

He couldn't bring himself to ignore it.

Yuri: love you too beka 

 

* * *

 

Yuri smiled when Otabek’s pixilated face came up on his phone screen.

  
“You know I’m at practice now,” Yuri answered with, ignoring Yakov’s shouts for him to get back on the ice. He leaned against the rink wall and looked at Beka.

“Why are you smiling like that? You don’t smile.”

  
“I smile.”

  
“Yeah, but not like a love sick idiot. What’s up?”

  
“My coach decided they were retiring this year.”

  
“And why are you happy about that?”

  
“Well, despite everything you say about Yakov, he does have four gold medalists at his rink.”

  
“Four?”

  
“You, Nikiforov, Katsuki, and Babicheva. And most of you have won multiple golds.”

  
“Right, and why is this relevant?”

  
“I want to make that five.” Yuri nearly dropped his phone.

  
“Fuck off, are you serious?!” he shouted, and Beka only laughed.

  
“I’m moving in a month.” Yakov shouted at him again, and Yuri yelled back over his shoulder.

  
“I have to go back to practice before Yakov has a stroke. Get your ass to Russia.”

  
Beka offered a thumbs up. “Will do Yura.”

 

* * *

 

 

That morning, Viktor and Katsudon were still not pressuring him to talk. Which was unusual. They both like to be in his business and were always checking up on him and asking way too many questions.

  
But like the night before, breakfast was quiet. They weren’t even being gross with each other. Which was really fucking weird. Normally they couldn’t go five seconds without touching each other or professing their love or both. Their puppy dog romance made Yuri sick, but it was just unsettling when they _weren’t_ like that.

  
Viktor left early in the morning for the rink, and Yuri found himself on their balcony, staring over Saint Petersburg, wrapped in a fluffy blanket.

  
He wasn’t sure how long he was there until he heard the door open and Katsudon joined him, handing him his third hot chocolate since he arrived. It’s like Katsudon thought warm drinks and calm smiles could solve all of Yuri’s problems. He wondered if that was something Hiroko did for her kids when they were upset and Katsu picked it up.

  
They were quiet for a long time. Yuri was almost finished with his cocoa, and was positive at this point that Katsudon wasn’t going to talk.

  
“How do you do it?” Yuuri turned and raised an eyebrow at him in question. “You and Viktor,” Yuri clarified. “You two are so fucking happy all the damn time and you never fight. I hate you because of that.”

Yuuri looked at him confused.

  
“What are you talking about? Viktor and I fight all the time.”

  
“When?! I never see it!” Yuuri let out a nervous chuckle.

  
“You are right now. Until you came over last night, we both had been sleeping on couches for days.”

  
“Why were both of you sleeping on couches?”

  
“Because I said I was going to sleep on the couch when I was angry, but he ended up sleeping on the other couch in protest of that. It has lasted days.”

  
“You have a spare room!” Yuri shouted.

  
“But it’s the symbol of sleeping on the couch.”

  
“That’s so stupid. You’re stupid. Both of you. What are you even fighting about?” Yuuri sighed.

  
“Where we live. Moving. Adoption. Family. All of those things tied into one huge argument.” Yuuri thought for a moment. “We made up some last night before going to sleep, so it seems peaceful now, but the matter is still tense so it’s no where near over. Which is terrifying to think that there’s probably going to be at least one other fight before it’s over. But we’ll work through it. We always have.”

  
Silence fell between them, and Yuri found himself picking absentmindedly at the blanket he was wrapped in. Katsuki’s gaze was fixed on the horizons.

  
“I don’t know if we can,” Yuri said quietly minutes later. He stared at the bottom of the mug as if the remaining chocolate had answers for him like a tealeaf fortune. “Beka and I. We’ve never fought like this before. I’ve never felt this…disconnected from him and what he’s thinking. And…what if…what if we _can’t_ fix it. What if this breaks us up? What then?”

  
“Then you move on,” Yuuri answered.

  
That wasn’t what Yuri wanted to hear.

  
“I don’t want to fucking move on! I’m in love with that asshole!”

  
“Does he know that?”

  
“ _Yes_. I’m not disgusting like you and the old geezer, but he knows. He has to. And he loves me too, but that’s not fucking enough anymore.” Yuri angrily whipped at his eyes, unsure when the tears had started falling. “When did that stop being enough?”

 

* * *

 

“Hey! Hero! Where’s your fiancé?” Mila teased, laughing as her and Sara walked his way. They were both clearly tipsy and well on their way to being drunk. “Yuri is so fun to dance with; I can’t believe he didn’t tell me he was here! I should have known you were the DJ tonight.”

  
“He isn’t. And we aren’t—”

  
“Another time then,” she pouted. “Oh, did you like my little surprise for you?”

  
“What surprise?”

  
“The flavored lube? Did you not see them? I left like ten different flavors in your bedside drawer. And I worked hard to pick those out! I wanted you to appreciate and enjoy them! Oh, where’s the ring? Yura never showed it to me.”

  
“I don’t have it.”

  
“Why not?”

  
“We aren’t engaged.”

  
“Shit, has he not…? I could have sworn he said yesterday when he texted me.”

  
“No, he did.”

  
Mila suddenly sounded sober. “You said no.”

 

* * *

 

 

“What are you two arguing about, if you don’t mind me asking?” Katsudon asked cautiously, eyeing Yuri like he was a bomb set to explode if he asked the wrong question.

  
“Ugh, it’s fucking embarrassing, and you better not tell anyone this. _Especially_ not Viktor.”

  
“Of course Yuri. I’d never do that.”

  
“I proposed to Beka, and he said no.” His voice sounded weak and it cracked. “And it fucking _hurts_ Yuuri. It hurts so bad knowing he doesn’t want what I want. We’ve always been on the same page with shit like this. I thought it was a given that he’d say yes that I didn’t even think of what would happen if he said no.”

  
“Did he explain why?” Yuuri asked after he finished.

  
“Just some stupid thing about how marriage is just paper and doesn’t mean anything. And that he wasn’t sure he wanted to be married. Ever. And at that point, I didn’t want to hear any more.”

  
Yuri sighed. He ran a hand through his hair, frustrated. As his fingers got caught in tangles, he only got angrier. He tried pulling it out, but his frantic movements only made it worse. He let out a frustrated sound.

  
Yuuri calmly pushed his hands away and separated it painlessly with steady hands.

  
“And he claims he still loves me, and I don’t understand, because if he loved me, why would he say no?”

  
“It sounds like you need to talk this out with him Yura.”

  
“I don’t want to talk to him! It fucking hurts whenever I think about it! How am I supposed to even have a conversation with him if it’s just a damn reminder of everything?”

  
Reminder that Otabek doesn’t feel the same. That he doesn’t want more. That Yuri is fucking greedy for wanting more.

  
“It’s okay to take time and space to think, but if you want to work things out you’re eventually going to have to talk to him. I know you don’t want to, but if you do want a future with him you’re going to have to face your issues together and work through them together.”

  
Yuri shook his head.

  
“I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

  
“Okay. That’s fine.”

 

* * *

 

 

Aida: Is Beks okay? He’s not responding to my texts?  
Yuri: haven’t seen him in a few days  
Yuri: so…not sure  
Aida: ????  
Aida: What’s going on?  
Yuri: it’s complicated  
Aida: I still don’t understand  
Aida: Are you okay Yuri?  
Yuri: i guess so  
Yuri: we’re fighting and it’s not fun  
Aida: You guys can’t break up!! I’ll miss you :(  
Yuri: i dont think we’re breaking up i just need some space and time to think about some things  
Aida: What things?  
Yuri: i really dont want to talk about it now  
Aida: Okay…thanks for texting me back though. I hope Beks is okay.

Yuri: text your sister back she’s worried about you

 

* * *

 

 

Now that Yuuri told him that Viktor and him were fighting, it was impossible not to see it. Everything between them was calculated and done with extreme caution like they were walking on glass around each other, only keeping from exploding for Yuri’s sake.

  
It was weird having evidence that they didn’t have a perfect relationship like he had thought for so many years.

  
He almost hated that Yuuri had told him about the argument because now it was all he could see. Yuri noticed the lack of intimately casual touches, how they sat inches apart from each other on the couch watching a movie that evening, how forced and tired their smiles were, how Katsudon was putting more effort into meals only to spend more time in the kitchen, how Viktor started talking to Yuri more and more when Katsudon was out or being particularly distant. Yuri didn’t even have the heart to tell him to fuck off; Viktor was hurting just like he was.

  
They were still disgustingly doting with each other, telling each other of their love and pressed short kisses on foreheads, noses, cheeks, lips. But it was accompanied by short words, hesitant glances, and constant uncertainty.

  
They were all fucking miserable together.

  
It was late at night two days later. Viktor had been asleep for about an hour when Katsudon joined Yuri on the couch in their lounge.

  
Yuri couldn’t take it anymore.

  
“What the fuck is going on with you and Viktor?" Yuri asked. "It’s driving me crazy.”

  
“Basically…Viktor wants kids. I don’t yet. He wants to move back to Japan. I’d rather go back to America if we move anywhere but would prefer to stay in Saint Petersburg for now—”

  
“Whoa. Hold the fuck up for a second. _Viktor_ wants to go back to Japan?” Yuuri nodded. “The children thing makes sense since he’s older than you, but why the fuck does he want to go back to Japan more than you?”

  
“He misses my family.”

  
“Don’t _you_ miss your family? They’re your damn family!”

  
“Not really, no,” Yuuri confessed. “For most of my adult life I’ve lived away from them, and I like living out of Japan. But when Viktor came all those years ago to coach me…he got attached. And I get it! I do. My family is caring, welcoming, and kind, but _still_ , I don’t want to move back there. My life is here now. You’re here, my university is here, my friends are here…I like it here,” Yuuri ended softly.

  
Yuri pulled at the sleeves of his sweatshirt.

  
“I can see why he wants to go back so bad, and you don’t fucking get it at all. Sure, your family is nice and shit and your mom makes good food, but for Viktor…and for me…it’s so much more than that,” Yuri admitted, pulling his knees up to his chest and curling up on the couch.

 

“Hasetsu was the first place I understood what a home was meant to feel like. I felt so…comfortable there, and it was like a small pocket outside of the fame and business of the city. In Hasetsu, nobody knew who the fuck I was except for your friends’ stupid kids, your family treated me like family and even gave me fucking chores, and everything was so goddamn peaceful. So for Viktor and myself who haven’t had the best places to call “home” in our lives, of course we’re going to get attached to it!”

  
Yuri huffed when he finished, blowing hair from his face.

  
“So do you think I should go?” Yuuri asked. “Am I being selfish keeping him away from there?”

  
“That’s not—I’m not saying that,” Yuri backtracked. “I’m only trying to make you realize that it’s not the cherry blossoms or some superficial crap that Viktor wants to return to. It’s so much more than that.” Yuri looked over at Yuuri. “It’s _home_.”

  
“If we moved, and you wanted to continue to be coached by Viktor, you would have to come as well.”

  
“Fine, whatever.”

  
“And what about Otabek? Or your grandfather?” Yuri went silent. “See, it’s more complicated than it seems. It’s not just about me and Viktor and what we want. It’s about you, and family, and our work, and everyone else and their wants and needs. And there’s no compromising with this. There’s no middle ground here. Literally. It’s not like we could move in the middle of Saint Petersburg and Hasetsu and be okay. One of us gets what we want and the other caves or has a change in heart, and it’s getting exhausting trying to convince each other.”

  
Katsudon rubbed his eyes under his glasses, frustrated.

  
“It’s the same thing with you and Otabek; either you get married or you don’t. There’s not really a compromise in there. That’s why these arguments are so frustrating and emotionally taxing. Someone wins, someone loses.”

 

* * *

 

 

“Do you miss home?”

  
Yuuri laughed as he took Viktor’s hand. “We were there this morning, so…not yet.”

  
“No, I mean your home. Japan. Hasetsu.”

  
“No,” Yuuri answered honestly. “That’s not really my home anymore. I haven’t lived there in nearly a decade, except for those few months were you coached me in Japan.”

  
“You don’t miss it?”

  
“Am I supposed to miss it?”

  
“What about your family and friends?”

  
“I have friends here, and we visit enough. I call my parents every week.”

  
“Yuuri?”

  
“Hmm?”

  
“I miss Hasetsu. A lot.”

  
“Oh. Well, we can go visit right after the season ends and my classes are over for the semester.”

  
“I don’t want to go for a short visit Yuuri.”

  
“I’m sure my parents would be fine with us visiting for a month or two.”

  
“No, you don’t understand.” That got Yuuri’s attention. “I want to _permanently_ visit Hasetsu.”

  
Yuuri went quiet.

  
“You want to move to Japan?”

 

* * *

 

 

“It’s too late for this shit.” Katsudon hummed in agreement, tilting his head back to rest on the back of the sofa. Yuri got up and headed over to the kitchen cabinets. “Where’s your alcohol? I don't know where anything is since you rearranged the kitchen.”

  
“Don’t you have practice tomorrow?”

  
Yuri rolled his eyes. “I’m not getting wasted. I’m not stupid. Besides, I’m an adult. I can handle myself.”

  
“You don’t drink.”

  
“I make exceptions for when I feel like shit.”

  
“Bottom left on the island,” Katsudon answered. “If you have a hangover tomorrow, I’m going to make your life hell on ice and have you do repeated quads with loud music.”

  
“You think I’m drinking by myself?” Yuri laughed, grabbing two glasses and a bottle of whiskey. The label looked classy so he assumed it was something nice. He wouldn’t fucking know.

  
He slumped back into the coach poured them both a glass. Yuuri hesitated when Yuri handed him the glass.

  
“Come on Katsudon. We both feel shitty, so maybe we can feel less shitty with this.”

  
“This is a terrible idea,” Yuuri stated right before clinking their glasses and downing his first drink. “Wow, that’s disgusting.”

  
Yuuri poured himself another glass as Yuri took an experimental sip, nearly gagging as it burned down his throat.

  
“Why do you even own this? It’s shit.”

  
“Your fault for picking the bad stuff.”

 

 

Forty minutes later, Yuri was halfway to drunk, and he felt just as miserable as before. He thought the alcohol was supposed to help him forget about his problems for a while; that’s what everyone claimed it did. But it only made him fixate on his issues.

  
Alcohol was shit. Love was shit. He was shit. Everything was shit.

  
“He should be enough, right? Beka should be enough for me,” he was saying to Yuuri. “Who needs a stupid piece of paper telling me we love each other. I fucking know that already!”

  
“But…?” Yuuri prompted, sensing Yuri had more to say about it.

  
“But I really want that goddamn piece of paper. And if he only sees it as a piece of paper, then what’s the problem with getting the paper? Tax benefits and shit.”

  
“Yuri? Why do you want to get married?”

  
“Ugh, why does anyone want to get married? We love each other and shit. I want to spend the rest of my life with him and all the disgusting domestic crap that comes with that.”

  
“You can do all that and not be married,” Yuuri pointed out.

  
“Fine. Ugh. It’s stupid. It’s just…just being _married_ versus just dating…it seems more permanent. Real. There’s something the title of “husband” that “boyfriend” doesn’t have…and as soon as I imagined it and thought about what it would be like to call Beka that…I wanted it really fucking bad. Which is really stupid, but I did.”

  
“And it’s not just that, it’s it the legal shit too,” Yuri continued. “Like if he got hurt and was unconscious in the hospital, I still couldn’t see him because on paper we aren’t family. I…I want to be his family. In every way I can.” He could feel his throat to start to tighten and clench again. Breathing was getting more difficult as was keeping his eyes dry.

  
“But he doesn’t want that. I don’t think he ever wants that. With me, at least.” Yuri put his head on his knees and tugged the blanket closer. “I don’t want to lose him Yuuri.” His words were muffled in the blanket, as was the first choking sob he let out.

  
Katsudon started rubbing his back gently, his thumb moving in circles as he offered soft and calming words.

  
Yuri didn’t really listen to exactly what was being said. He’d never admit it aloud, but Katsudon had a soothing voice and presence. Just him being there made Yuri feel safe enough to be vulnerable.

  
Right now, he needed Yuuri, and it took him far too long to admit to himself.

  
So he let go.

  
Yuri let himself feel every emotion that he had been keeping inside without censoring it. The sounds he was making were horrifying, and crying like this, he learned, was painful. His throat went dry and husky, each breath scraping its way in and out. His eyes burned from too many tears. With each sob, his entire body clenched and shook, and Yuri could feel his hands shaking.

  
People always talk about this process as relieving. That crying on someone’s shoulder was meant to feel supportive.

  
Yuri just felt like shit. Like a blubbering, shitty mess.

  
He lifted his head and looked at Katsudon. He knew he had to look miserable, his hair was all over the place, his nose was running, and his face was probably red, puffy, and wet from crying. Crying that was still going on. He couldn’t stop.

  
“I don’t know what to do,” he sobbed, whipping his nose on his sleeve. “Yuuri, what do I do?”

  
“You know I can’t tell you exactly what to do,” he answered calmly, running his fingers through Yuri’s long hair. “But I can say that the first step is to talk to him and maybe even more importantly _listen_ to him. Be honest and open with what you’re feeling Yura. Even if it’s not something he wants to hear or you want to admit.”

  
“I don’t want to lose him.”

  
“I know you don’t, Yura.”

  
“I’m scared he doesn’t love me like I love him.”

  
“You need to talk to him.” Yuri shook his head.

  
“I can’t right now. I’m tipsy and a mess. It’s disgusting. And fucking pathetic.”

  
“Then when you’re ready.”

 

* * *

 

 

“Why did you marry Katsudon?” Yuri asked Viktor the next afternoon as they were taking their skates off in the locker room. They were the only ones in there. Viktor fumbled with the laces at the question.

  
Yuri expected Viktor to pull one of those loving expressions and spout shit about being in love and finding his soul mate. In no way did he actually expect Viktor to take the question seriously.

  
“For me, marriage was proof I was serious. Not just to Yuuri, but everyone else too. I know I’m fairly oblivious, but I knew what people said about us. People were predicting when I was going to leave Yuuri for an affair, the media kept saying Yuuri wasn’t good enough for me, and they questioned our relationship. That…put a lot of stress on Yuuri’s anxiety, so marriage for me was as much about closeness as it was security and proof that I was committed to Yuuri.”

  
Viktor shrugged.

  
“That and I love him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but I don’t think that’s what you’re asking about.”

  
“Are you glad you got married?”

  
“Of course!”

  
“Even though you’re fighting?” Viktor looked down at his golden ring Yuuri bought him all those years ago in Barcelona and smiled. It didn’t hold the joy it normally did when the geezer gazed at his ring, instead it was a look full of sadness and longing.

  
“Yes. Always. Forever. Those were our promises since the beginning. Even if we never leave Russia. I’ll be with him until the end.”

  
“Would you say that if you weren’t married?” Yuri pressed. “If you weren’t legally and socially bound together? Would you still care that much?”

  
“I’d still love him the same. Though, I think there would be more stress on our relationship without our marriage, for the reasons I said earlier, the press and everything. My feelings would stay the same, no matter what.”

  
Yuri wasn’t sure, but he had the idea that Viktor knew why Yuri brought this up. He was pretty sure Katsudon didn’t say anything, but Viktor was more perceptive than he or anyone else gave him credit for.

  
“I don’t understand why Beka doesn’t want to get married,” Yuri said, and Viktor put an arm around his shoulders.

  
“Yuratchka, I can’t answer that. Only one person can.”

  
“Yeah, and I don’t want to talk to him.” 

  
“You’ll never work it out if you don’t talk about it. Yelling doesn’t do anything productive in arguments. Neither does avoiding the topic all together.”

  
Yuri scoffed. “Yeah, because you and Katsu have been talking so much over the past few days.”

  
“That’s different. We’re worried about you.”

  
“I’m _fine_.”

  
“No, you aren’t.”

  
Yuri didn’t argue with Viktor. They both knew he was right. And Yuri was tired of pretending otherwise.

  
“Besides, you’re more important than some disagreement on location. You’re family. And we’ll always be here for you."

 

* * *

 

“Viktor…I don’t want to leave things between us like this," Yuuri whispered, not wanting to alarm Yuri, who was just next door in the guest room.

  
“We can talk about everything later,” Viktor said. “Yura’s hurting. We need to be here for him.”

  
Yuuri nodded in agreement.

  
“Argument pause?”

  
“Argument pause,” Viktor agreed. Then he sighed, taking Yuuri’s hand in his. “I don’t like fighting with you.”

  
“Neither do I.” Yuuri gave him a soft smile. “We’ll get through it. Just like Yura will get through whatever is troubling him.” Viktor kissed his hand before they both settled back in the bed and into each other’s arms.

  
“I’ve missed our bed,” Viktor sighed.

  
Yuuri giggled, poking his husband in the side. “I’ve missed you.”

  
“I’ve missed you too.”

  
They hadn’t slept together for four nights, but falling back into old patterns was like coming home.

 

* * *

 

 

“If Otabek decides he never wants to be married,” Yuuri says slowly that evening. “Would you be okay with that?”

  
Yuri didn’t have an answer for that. He didn’t know. Not getting married now and not getting married _ever_ were two different subjects. Would he be okay with that? Would he be happy with that? With them staying just as they are, forever only boyfriends, nothing more.

  
Fuck, why did he want more. They wouldn’t even have this problem if he weren’t being so fucking selfish.

  
“I should be okay with it,” Yuri responded in a flat tone.

  
“We all should be a lot of things, Yura. You need to seriously think about your actual feelings, not how you want to feel or what you think you should feel, but how you really feel about that…because there’s a possibility that he’s never going to want marriage. And if you’re not okay with that…”

  
Yuuri trailed off, not finishing the thought. They both knew what was there. If Yuri wasn’t okay with never getting married, they might as well end it now. It’ll only hurt more later.

  
“I want to be okay with it. So badly. But…I don’t know if I am.”

  
“Yeah.” Yuuri said with a sad smile. “I want to be okay with moving to Japan but I don’t know if I am either. It’d make Viktor happy, but I don’t know if it’ll make me happy.”

  
“I feel so shitty. Like I’m so fucking selfish for wanting it.”

  
“No Yuri. Your feelings are valid. That’s what you want, and you have reasons. Just like Otabek has reasons for wanting something else. Same thing with Viktor.”

  
“I don’t know.”

  
“Think about it then. You can stay here as long as you need. You’ll always be welcome with us.” Yuuri stood up, gave him a reassuring squeeze on the shoulder before walking to the kitchen where Viktor was.

  
It was refreshing to see Katsudon wrap his arms around his husband and press a kiss to his shoulder.

  
Yuri would never admit to smiling at that.

 

* * *

  
It took another day.

  
One more day of thinking. Of waiting. Of hiding. Of avoiding. One more day and Yuri decided it was enough.

  
He missed Otabek. A lot. It was hard being away from each other and not speaking. Usually when they were not in the same place Yuri was glued to his phone, updating Otabek on his thoughts and life by the second.

  
Beka was his best friend first, and Yuri really missed his best friend.

  
After dinner when Yuri excused himself to make a call, both Viktor and Yuuri gave him supportive smiles.

  
He picked up on the second ring.

  
“Yura,” Beka sighed. It seemed like he was waiting for the call.

  
“Beka? Can we talk? About everything.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked it, please leave a kudos or a comment!
> 
> Due to all the positive encouragement from you and the support, I decided to add a second part where we will find out what exactly is going through Beka's mind as well as their conversation. I'm about to go on vacation though, but I promise to have it up as soon as I can!
> 
> This is unbetaed, so if there are any mistakes please let me know! I did revise, but I'm not perfect. Also, any constructive criticism or ideas on how I can improve my writing, please let me know in the comments! I live for feedback.
> 
> I need friends if you need friends or want to scream with me about yoi or talk about headcanons, find me on tumblr at fashionablescoobydoo (I follow back!!)
> 
> Thanks for reading!!


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